Category: Comedy

Interested in making the next billion dollar app, but don’t have a good idea yet? To help you get started, The Lion team sat down and came up with a few ideas for start-up websites for the Columbia community that would generate a lot of hits and a lot of general happiness.

If you make one of these sites a reality, let us know by commenting below or emailing team@columbialion.com.

ColumbiaDelivers.com:

Alright, let’s be honest – how many times have you thought, “I really wish Starbucks/Koronet’s/Chipotle/Absolute could deliver food to my door?” Well, with ColumbiaDelivers, your wish would become a reality. You’d pay a ColumbiaDelivers employee to run and get your food for you. In addition, the service would only hire Columbia students – that way, you could get food ACTUALLY delivered to your door. None of that “meet me outside my dorm” crap. None of that “I literally gave you my address, the name of the residence hall, my exact GPS coordinates, and an iPhone map with turn-by-turn directions to my building and you still couldn’t find me?” nonsense. You pay from your dorm room, you get food delivered to your door, and the delivery person gets paid. Everyone’s happy!

ColumbiaFlyers.com:

Flyering is an archaic practice that is too widely practiced on this campus. Why do clubs still insist on wrecking their members’ print quotas and the printers around campus to print hundreds of flyers that ultimately no one will care about? ColumbiaFlyers brings this practice to the modern age – it allows clubs to upload their flyers to a website that ultimately no one will care about. Does the end result change? No. But is the process satisfyingly more modern? Hell yes.

ColumbiaIsHungry.com:

How many people have used and experienced issues with sites like GrubHub and Seamless? Obviously, the answer is everyone. The reason for this is that those sites aren’t optimized for the Columbia experience. ColumbiaIsHungry is a website designed to get rid of all those issues. It will have all the restaurants that deliver to Columbia listed with accurate wait times (15-30 minutes? Add “1 hour and” to the start of that and you’re getting on the right track) and will provide a smooth interface through which you can satisfy your munchies. The ColumbiaIsHungry team will also be responsible for trying their hardest to work out special student deals and promos available only through the website to Columbia students. The Lion has already had success with finding a solution to our food problems – this could be the next Sandwich Ambassador Initiative.

IAmAtColumbiaAndIWouldLikeToReportSomethingProblematic.com:

There are certainly social issues that should be dealt with on Columbia’s campus. Calling these things “problematic” and walking away, though, is certainly not going to help anything. So for all those students committed to pointing out the problematic, for incorrectly characterizing things as microagressions, and for anyone who literally does not get that empty criticism doesn’t accomplish anything – this one’s for you. Simply upload your concern to IAmAtColumbiaAndIWouldLikeToReportSomethingProblematic, and your comment will vanish into the depths of the Internet, just like it was meant to. Alternatively, you could write a post for The Lion voicing a non-empty criticism of a real campus issue!

HelpIAmInMyCoreClassAndIHaveNoClueWhatToSay.com:

You know the feeling. You’ve been sitting in Lit Hum for an hour and a half and you haven’t come up with jack shit. Your professor keeps track of participation. You need to say something profound to get your points for the day. Why not sell out? For a small fee, you can contract someone who knows more about that book you didn’t read than you do to come up with an insightful comment that will add to any class discussion! For anyone skeptical of this website’s purpose – namely, people who think, “Oh, you’re missing the point of the Core!” – you’re so wrong. This is the exact balance between literature and capitalism that our school strives to create.

Any other startup ideas? Throw them in the comments below, or email a piece about your idea to submissions@columbialion.com

Photo Courtesy of the Varsity Show

Last night, members of The Lion went to watch the Varsity Show’s 122nd production. We’ve compiled our take as well as comments we collected from students at the performance to help you decide whether you should go watch the show.

Comments from Lion Writers:

Upon entering Roone, we were handed the show’s booklet styled in what appeared to be a Blue and White Magazine. As we perused through the booklet, the show’s creative team divulged detailed interviews of the cast along with a breakdown of the show that hinted the show would be starting fashionably late (16 minutes to be exact) and a whole host of other humorous content. But even though the guide indicated the show would conclude by 10:18PM, it did not end until 10:48. We don’t know what happened there, but we were more than ok with that.

The show was absolutely phenomenal. From start to finish, the show captured the audience’s attention and with a good dose of humor, recanted many of the motifs commonly found in Varsity Show productions. Bar some sound issues with the microphones, it was quite clear how much effort went even into the smaller details of the show. Even when approaching controversial topics, the writers successfully created jokes that poked fun of the issues, but were not controversial to cause backlash or offend students and staff.

It was also nice to see a same-sex relationship featured as a major component the show. As far as we are aware, this is the first instance of this in a Varsity Show production and it was nice to see. The audience felt the same way based off the loud cheers that emanated throughout Roone.

If we had to pose a criticism, we would say the show was a bit too ambitious. In trying to incorporate so many issues into one two and a half hour production, it felt like several details were ignored. For instance, Jenny Park, the protagonist (played by April Cho CC ’17), refers to being a first-generation student, but this plot point is not really fleshed out. In addition, the show clearly tried to update itself to incorporate more topics given the addition of references to the proposed new sculpture set to be installed in front of Butler Library. It would have been nice to see points like these incorporated into the production that were more than just a few comments.

Overall, we would highly recommend going to the show. It was an ambitious production, but it definitely lived up to much of its hype.

Comments from students and alumni:

To better understand student reactions to the production, our team went out and polled students from a variety of academic years and backgrounds about their reactions. Check out what students said below.

“I want someone to look at me the way Professor Wilkenson (Henrietta Steventon) looked at that wine bottle” – SEAS ’17

“Is it bad I could easily imagine Dean Kromm prancing around campus in colonial wear?” – CC ’18

“Lin-Manuel Miranda, you have some competition coming from uptown” – CC ’18

“I actually thought I would die laughing when they all started singing ‘There’s a dead white man inside us all’ ” – CC ’19

“How do these people have the time to write and create an entire musical in a semester? That was phenomenal. I cannot imagine the amount of work that went into making that.” – CC ’17

“I liked the part where George was expelling students and then became ambivalent to the show.” – SEAS ’18

“Who did the reading for today? I’m sorry, I meant, Who wants to talk about the reading we were supposed to do? That’s was too real. Literally what every CC class is like”  – CC ’18

“Their take on campus activism was spot on.” – SEAS ’16

“How does a dead white man get into Pith and I’m still on the damn wait list???” – CC ’18

“I couldn’t stop laughing after Professor Wilkenson (Henrietta Steventon) yelled at Shreyas Manohar’s character to check his privilege after he desperately asked for help” – CC ’19

“I liked the show from two years ago a lot more” – SEAS ’18

The Varsity Show is performing through May 1st with showings at 2PM and 8PM. Be sure to buy a ticket (starting at $7) from the TIC or online here.

Have a comment or response you want to share? Comment below or email us at submissions@columbialion.com.

Last night, Columbia University No Budget Sketch Show (CUSS) released their newest video, “Shmasterpieces of Western Lit: The Odyssey,” a video showcasing an overview of Homer’s Odyssey… from a different point of view.

Watch the video below.

Want to feature your club’s updates here? Email submissions@columbialion.com

Valentine’s Day, much like your “birthday” and various non life-threatening diseases, was created by Hallmark to sell cards to those who’d rather let a glorified piece of construction paper do their talking for them. It’s just another capitalist enterprise, fostering perfect competition between Hallmark, Papyrus, and American Greetings. Aside from the fact that Valentine’s Day is a corporate Ponzi scheme, there is a fair chance that if you’re seeing someone, he/she is afraid of commitment and the sincerity of Valentine’s Day. This means they would probably therefore rather fake a serious injury involving some combination of the Butler Stacks, a JJ’s burger, and a GS student’s walker, before going on that romantic date you have planned.

We all know the legend of Cupid’s magic arrows that make people fall in love instead of, you know, killing them. But, while we credit a violent Roman myth for love, we fail to recognize the true role that amorous dialogue (Jack Daniels), shared interests (José Cuervo), and that “fateful” meeting at 1020 played.

Whose brilliant idea was it to celebrate holidays based on Greek or Roman myths anyway? For one thing, most of them involved some kind of bestiality, which your pets would definitely not appreciate. Apart from those select LitHum drinking games, I don’t see anyone celebrating Odysseus in the Trojan War (though the Trojan™ war does seem to be a more appropriate inspiration for this sort of holiday), or Perseus beheading a Gorgon – even though Gorgons were famous for making men hard as rock. After all, there are so many other LitHum characters worth celebrating, so why settle on the violent “streaker man-child,” who, when he isn’t stark naked, is often portrayed in a diaper (and we all know nothing inspires love like shitting yourself. Ew.)

 So why do we insist on celebrating love with a violent and sadistic infant? Are we demeaning our own ability to love, implying that we’re as inexperienced as, well, a baby? Because we’re not. We swear.

As far as I’m concerned, Zeus is ten times the myth Cupid is for celebrating love. He’s all over Greek family trees, and in order to sleep with that many women, he must have had a mysterious x-factor, (or maybe just a REALLY large… thunderbolt). To celebrate Greek love without celebrating Zeus is perhaps more pathetic than an illegitimate child of the JJ’s Place salad bar and the Columbia Lion’s football season.

Overall, Valentine’s Day is a lie – complete with sappy love ballads and drunk dials. February 14th is technically “the feast day of Saint Valentine,” marking the day in the year 269 when Valentine was publically beaten with clubs and beheaded for trying to convert Emperor Claudius to Christianity. It is the anniversary of the bloody Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre in Chicago which left 7 dead. And finally, it is the day that the State of Oregon entered the Union.

None of these occasions necessitate hearts and flowers. So stop trying, and just drink alone in your room like everyone else.

The Lion is the only publication with an open submissions policy. To respond to this piece or submit one of your own, email submissions@columbialion.com.

Looking for something entertaining to watch tonight? Head over to the basement of St. Paul’s Cathedral for Postcrypt.

Postcrypt, a weekly event that features amateur and professional talents is hosting a standup comedy event tonight at 8PM.

Continue Reading..