Tag: lit hum

Want to find out who your Core Professor will be before their name becomes publicly visible on SSOL/Courseworks?

Starting a few weeks before classes, you can easily find your Core Professors using Columbia University Libraries’s Course Reserves system. Here’s how to do it:

1) Visit http://library.columbia.edu/find/reserves.html
2) Under “For Students” click “Reserves List”
3) Log In (using your UNI and Password)
4) View Your Professor’s Name

This trick has been successful for the last few semesters and likely will not change anytime soon. Good luck with the start of the semester!

Lion Guides: Literature Humanities Review

We here at the Lion understand that this is a hectic week for you leading up to Fall Break. Two or three midterms? A couple of papers? We truly feel your struggle. Thus, to take a little load off your shoulders and maybe grant you an extra hour or so of sleep, we took the liberty of compiling various study guides filled with A1 content. Hopefully, this will make your cramming a breeze (like the one Iphigenia was sacrificed for). Good luck: may the odds be ever in your favor.

The Lion team would like to credit Ryan Mandelbaum, Michelle Vallejo, and Constance Boozer for putting together this comprehensive review guide.

NOTE: Some texts such as, Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon are not included.

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Valentine’s Day, much like your “birthday” and various non life-threatening diseases, was created by Hallmark to sell cards to those who’d rather let a glorified piece of construction paper do their talking for them. It’s just another capitalist enterprise, fostering perfect competition between Hallmark, Papyrus, and American Greetings. Aside from the fact that Valentine’s Day is a corporate Ponzi scheme, there is a fair chance that if you’re seeing someone, he/she is afraid of commitment and the sincerity of Valentine’s Day. This means they would probably therefore rather fake a serious injury involving some combination of the Butler Stacks, a JJ’s burger, and a GS student’s walker, before going on that romantic date you have planned.

We all know the legend of Cupid’s magic arrows that make people fall in love instead of, you know, killing them. But, while we credit a violent Roman myth for love, we fail to recognize the true role that amorous dialogue (Jack Daniels), shared interests (José Cuervo), and that “fateful” meeting at 1020 played.

Whose brilliant idea was it to celebrate holidays based on Greek or Roman myths anyway? For one thing, most of them involved some kind of bestiality, which your pets would definitely not appreciate. Apart from those select LitHum drinking games, I don’t see anyone celebrating Odysseus in the Trojan War (though the Trojan™ war does seem to be a more appropriate inspiration for this sort of holiday), or Perseus beheading a Gorgon – even though Gorgons were famous for making men hard as rock. After all, there are so many other LitHum characters worth celebrating, so why settle on the violent “streaker man-child,” who, when he isn’t stark naked, is often portrayed in a diaper (and we all know nothing inspires love like shitting yourself. Ew.)

 So why do we insist on celebrating love with a violent and sadistic infant? Are we demeaning our own ability to love, implying that we’re as inexperienced as, well, a baby? Because we’re not. We swear.

As far as I’m concerned, Zeus is ten times the myth Cupid is for celebrating love. He’s all over Greek family trees, and in order to sleep with that many women, he must have had a mysterious x-factor, (or maybe just a REALLY large… thunderbolt). To celebrate Greek love without celebrating Zeus is perhaps more pathetic than an illegitimate child of the JJ’s Place salad bar and the Columbia Lion’s football season.

Overall, Valentine’s Day is a lie – complete with sappy love ballads and drunk dials. February 14th is technically “the feast day of Saint Valentine,” marking the day in the year 269 when Valentine was publically beaten with clubs and beheaded for trying to convert Emperor Claudius to Christianity. It is the anniversary of the bloody Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre in Chicago which left 7 dead. And finally, it is the day that the State of Oregon entered the Union.

None of these occasions necessitate hearts and flowers. So stop trying, and just drink alone in your room like everyone else.

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